Sunday, August 23, 2009

Cowboys Need to Punt on New Stadium's Video Screen

You know, only in this universe, in this galaxy, in this solar system, on this planet, in this country, in the state of Texas, in the city of Dallas, at this time in history—only there and then could the owner of the highest-profile professional football team in existence build a $1.2 billion football stadium/palace/shrine, and then install in the middle of it 1,500 square yards of video screen that's hung so low that an NFL punter can hit the damn thing with a punted football during regulation play.

I know it didn't occur to Cowboys owner Jerry Jones that any punters would reach his video colossus with their kicks, but that fact that the Titans' A. J. Trapasso—not even the team's regular punter—did it in Friday night's pre-season game can mean only one thing: You hung the damn thing too low, Jerry.

If there were even only a .0001 percent chance that a kicker would hit the video screen, then YOU'VE HUNG THE DAMN THING TOO LOW, JERRY. And protest all you want that Trapasso was trying to hit the monstrosity on purpose. The fact that he DID hit it, and thus introduced into NFL play something totally unique—the do-over punt—means that not only did you hang the damn thing too low, Jerry, but now you must rectify the situation ASAP.

Even if you're feeling a little pimped, Jerry, it's really embarrassing to have the visiting team's punt carom off your ginormous state-of-the-art video screen. The fact that it happened in the very first game ever played in the new Cowboys Stadium maybe means you're lucky. What if it had happened for the first time in the final minutes of an NFC Championship game and somehow cost the Cowboys a Super Bowl berth? How would THAT feel, Jerry?

Everything's bigger in Texas. Especially the egos. And apparently also the desire to have the gaudiest and most foreboding piece of hardware possible hanging directly over the field of play in a new athletic facility conceived in nothing if not excess.

(Hey, has anyone checked all the nuts and bolts on that thing? It's not gonna fall down on top of the Redskins' offense during Monday Night Football, is it? Now there would be a headline: COWBOYS' VIDEO SCREEN CRASHES; PORTIS, CAMPBELL, 9 OTHERS DEAD.)

Talk about unnecessarily drawing attention to one's self. Anyone could have read Jerry's mind at that moment: "WTF?" And you know, Jerry? It doesn't matter if it was never gonna happen ever again. You STILL have to get your overhyped dumbass video screen hoisted up another 20 yards—just to be on the safe side. And if you can't, then maybe you'll just have to take the thing down. (Maybe put it in your rec room?)

Of all the shortsighted, unimaginative decisions a boss-man could make in designing his new football stadium, this one probably ranks highest. I mean, really, Jerry...REALLY?

Never has someone else's unexpected headache seemed so damn funny. But it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. Unless it were Al Davis.

1 comment:

Deanna Larson said...

Your best lede ever! And I was WTF myself, and I didn't even see it, only heard it on Google News the next day. But: are there sports conspiracists? Pundits with lots of air and print time who actually thought he did it "on purpose"?