Thursday, January 26, 2006

Dan Patrick Jello-Wrestles Anna Benson to an Entertaining Draw

"I've got huge breastesses," Anna Benson said proudly, matter-of-factly to ESPN Radio savant Dan Patrick today, in one of sports media's more entertaining recent moments. Dan admitted later to being a little unnerved by the frankly speaking wife of new Baltimore Orioles pitcher Kris Benson, but in fact he handled himself deftly, sidekick Keith Olbermann fortuitously kept his mouth shut, and we learned lots of cool things about this delectably trailer-trashy babe.

Yes, Benson does have large breasts. She also hates Michael Moore, thinks the folks at PETA are full of crap, supports America's fight against terrorism, loves to play Texas Hold 'Em, works sincerely for various charities, has three kids, and, after being rescued by her husband from a career as a stripper, is now poised to maybe break into hosting a cable TV talk show. She's also been considered for a Wonder Woman movie.

Okay, we're not talking Marie Curie here. But for fearlessness in the face of a savage media, Anna's got game. To the male world's detriment, she has, so far, turned down a nude Playboy shoot, and there's been some speculation that such a prospect was at least in part responsible for the New York Mets trading her husband to the Orioles. (Oh, those bluenose Mets!)

Benson is a shameless self-promoter, and usually people like that are annoying as hell. She once told Howard Stern that if she ever caught hubby cheating on her, she'd turn around and "do" the entire Mets team. Hyperbole becomes you, Anna. (The ticket line forms to the right. In Baltimore now, I guess.)

The Bensons are a collective piece of work. Apparently, Kris completes each inning of work by walking off the mound and, for Anna's luxury skybox eyes only, sticks his index finger in his ear. Hmmmm...that's phallic, right?? The duo are also the founders of Benson’s Battalion, a non-profit corporation, formed post-9/11 in October 2001, which is dedicated to "fighting terror and making communities safe by supporting the nation's police, fire and other related public safety groups through funding for equipment, supplies and education." Sounds good to me.

Maybe if Kris Benson was Roger Clemens we'd find Anna's antics untoward. But given that, in a six-year career with Pittsburgh and the Mets, Kris is 57-61 with a 4.25 ERA, he can use all the hype his wife can provide. Kris is a mediocre-to-decent starting pitcher, probably a #3 or #4 starter with most teams. Of course, that still makes him a multi-millionaire, and in that regard, the Kris-Anna relationship has to be of mutual benefit. Kris should help the Orioles. Who knows? Maybe he'll have a career year. At any rate, Anna has promised that she and Kris will "christen the parking lot" at Camden Yards. Classy stuff. But hey, wouldn't you if you could?

Anna turns 30 in 2006. She came off on the Patrick show as kind of an airhead, but a refreshingly forthright one. With someone like this, I suppose we cultured types are supposed to scoff, turn our noses in the air, and assume that she gets categorized immediately with the Tonya Hardings of the world. But I don't know. Anna Benson may not be the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but she's got a distinctive color, and maybe Kris is one lucky guy. Now if he can only bring that ERA down a point.

It's no surprise that Anna has a Web site. Here's the link: Enjoy.

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