Thursday, November 29, 2007

CSI Miami Cast Takes Over Taylor Investigation

Citing the already demonstrated incompetence of the Miami-Dade police department, members of the cast of CBS’ popular crime show CSI Miami have stepped in to take control of the investigation into the recent shooting death of pro football player Sean Taylor.

After being informed that Miami police chief Robert Parker has ruled out premeditated foul play in the case, series star David Caruso (left) said, “Well, that... is simply...ridiculous...” Caruso paused pregnantly after every phrase, his face frozen in seething but controlled agitation, his lips slightly pursed, his eyes beady. “A random burglary?” continued Caruso. “I think not. I’ll have my team on this immediately, and we...will...FIND...Sean Taylor’s murderers. We...will...find...them...and bring them to justice...with all the forensic powers that our team can bring to bear on the case...We it...or my name isn’t Horatio Caine.”

When reminded that his name, in fact, isn’t Horatio Caine, Caruso paused, stared for an agonizing 10 seconds at his questioner, then slowly, deliberately placed his sunglasses over his eyes, adjusting them smartly, and said, “...and I’ll see hell.”

Actress Emily Procter, left, who portrays babelicious forensic investigator Calleigh Duquesne on the longtime hit series, said flatly, woodenly, with staccato tension but also with a slight sexy lilt in her voice, “I don’t see why we wouldn’t move this crime to the top of our ‘to-do’ list. This is what we’re here for, after all. Obviously, that’s a fertile crime scene, and where’s there’s gunshot residue, blood spatter and signs of a struggle, then the answers are just sitting there waiting for CSI criminalists like myself to fit the pieces into a coherent puzzle.”

When reminded that she is merely an actress who portrays a forensic expert, Procter said, “Ask me if I care. Crime is crime, and don’t let anyone ever say that CSI Miami doesn’t investigate each and every case bringing to bear the highest levels of modern science and technology.” Procter reached into her purse, extracted a pair of white rubber gloves, and added, “This is in our jurisdiction, and we’ll bring the scum to justice. Why? Because we can. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to head out to Palmetto Bay before the amateurs taint all the evidence.”

Palmetto Bay is the elite community south of Miami where Taylor made his home. Taylor, who played for the Washington Redskins, was brutally gunned down in his bedroom this past Monday and died a day later from massive blood loss.

Adam Rodriguez, left, who portrays investigator Eric Delko on CSI Miami, said that he hadn’t emigrated from Cuba and toughed his way into his police career just to watch cases like this one get thwarted by Parker and his incompetent detectives. “Miami is my city, and I care what happens here. We’ll get the Taylor killers. I’ve got my ear to the ground in this town. People talk, and when they do, I’ll be connecting the dots. The evidence will tell us the rest. With DNA testing and our access to AFIS, we’ll nail this one.”

Rodriguez was reminded that the Delko character’s journey from Havana to Miami was strictly a fictional profile, available to anyone accessing the TV show’s website. “Huh,” he scoffed, his face deadpan. “Well, that’s what you say...” Checking to make sure his shirt was neatly tucked in, and then adjusting his immaculately coiffed hair, Rodriguez was heard to say, “Hey, Calleigh, wait up for me...”

When asked for comment on the role CSI Miami cast members would play in the Taylor case, Parker said, “Well, we need all the help we can get. Who’s to say that Caine and his team won’t bring some success to the investigation that might otherwise elude us? Besides, I want to see the reenactment, in slow motion, of when the bullet exits the gun and then excruciatingly and violently pierces Taylor’s upper thigh and then destroys his femoral artery. That should be pretty cool. Gross, but cool.”


Anonymous said...

Thanks for the laugh. Faced with such a tragedy, a little humor helps cushion.

Vixen said...

David Caruso is a major douche bag. Thank you for making that clear once again. One can't say that often enough!

luong johnson said...

David Caruso ... how did an aging red-headed male, get a lead role. There has only been one good looking red-headed male actor; Robert Redford! Most red-headed males, especially those who are fair skinned, like Caruso, are grotesque.