Hattiesburg or Bust: Where the Horny Sports Guys Go

Hattiesburg, Mississsippi: Home of the University of Southern Mississippi, Brett Favre’s college career...and horny disgraced sports figures.

Until today, I had missed the story about former Mets GM and former ESPN baseball guy Steve Phillips’ sex addiction travails. I wondered (sort of) where Phillips was on ESPN hot stove coverage, though I was never a fan of his bluster and I can’t say that I missed him. I always thought Phillips' analysis sounded fake and uninformed, which is saying a lot for a guy who’d GM’d a major league baseball team for six years (1997-2003). (Full, objective disclosure: Phillips was the Mets’ GM in 2000, the year they went to the World Series.)

Anyway, a career dating back to the early ’90s with the Mets, plus six years with ESPN. That’s earning a lot of decent coin, especially for a guy who never played MLB—and a lot more money than the rest of us Average Joe sleazebags have to blow on skanks.

Phillips was accused of sexual harassment in 1998, so there were, uh, signs of his, uh, proclivities, which apparently run toward homely chubby chicks. And get this, Phillips has a degree in psychology from Michigan. (Burp.)

But now he’s joined superstar golfer Tiger Woods as a graduate of the Pine Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Services clinic in Hattiesburg, which seems like an odd place for sexed-up, out-of-control sports figures to congregate. Well, it’s Mississippi, so maybe the blues link is appropriate. And Mississippi, in general, is kind of desolate, too, which might keep a guy out of harm’s way. But I’m sure USM has tons of hot, young chicks—chubby or otherwise—to inveigle the Tigers and Steves to sneak out of the clinic at night. Sort of like Jack Nicholson and all the inmates in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. (Road trip!! Woo-hoo!!)

Anyway, now Phillips is unemployed and takes his place in line as yet another poster boy for sex addiction, joining Woods and other celebs in this club honoring a most dubious distinction, which, in fact, probably plagues most all of us guys—if only we had the money and opportunity to work it right.

So here are the pics you’ve been waiting for: [Top] Phillips in Clintonian pose with Brooke Hundley, the former ESPN production assistant (she got fired, too), who went all Fatal Attraction on the Phillips family. (Eeesh!) [Middle] Rosa Rodriguez, subject of Phillips’ harassment case. (Eye roll.) [Bottom] Marni Phillips,

Steve’s wife, who’s been putting up with his shit for years and might be divorcing him.

There’s one thing Tiger and Steve have in common: Apparently they like boinking chicks that are LESS attractive than their spouses.

Must be the easy pickin’s.

Now, if ESPN wants to forestall stuff like this happening in the future, all they have to do is stop hiring women. It’s an idea whose time has come. Otherwise, bookmark that Yahoo Maps page for Hattiesburg. Y’all come down!